My Own Way to Rock

This has been an interesting weekend indeed. Friday, I went out for coffee with a guy from work. His name is Stephen and I find him incredibly attractive. He is very calm and soft spoken. I'm naturally drawn to people like that whether they are male or female. I'm usually high strung so these people balance me out. Don't get me wrong, I like high strung people too but I can only handle them in small doses. It's because I feed off other people's energy.

Well apparently, according to "The Rules", asking Stephen to meet for coffee is a no-no. I am going to have to remind myself that I did not buy the book to actually put any of it into practice. I've just heard so much about it (both good and bad) that I wanted to read it for myself.

I've had the opportunity this weekend to engage in some intellectually stimulating conversation. I don't get a chance to do that very often since my mother has banned such talk in her home. A new aquaintance (I'll call him Joe) and I talked about Faith, particularly the Catholic Faith among other things.

Today the issue of sexuality came up. Joe shared that he doesn't have a problem with same-sex marriage or the practice of the homosexual lifestyle and why. I told him that I don't agree with either and why. I also shared that this issue is very close to home because I am a woman who lives with same-sex attraction. My intention was not to shock him. My intention was to offer another perspective other than the one that prevails in society--the one of "just do what feels good".

I appreciated his direct, honest questions. He took time to listen and tried to understand where I was coming from. I explained to him that even though I have these inclinations, I choose not to act on them or identify myself as a lesbian or even bi-sexual. I choose to obey the teaching of my Catholic Faith. I just wish that I wasn't so tired because I left out some very important points.

I did not mention my main motivation for choosing to refrain from indulging these desires is my love for God. I love Him more than I need to be with a woman. It is not out of fear of going to hell or out of guilt. I know God loves me as I am. He loves me and wants me to be free from things that would harm me. Going against what He intended for human sexuality is harmful physically, emotionally, mentally and, most important, spiritually.

Is it easy? I shared with Joe that it isn't. I'm a custodian in a fitness facility and I see naked women in the change rooms all the time. I have to rely on God's Grace and strength to keep my eyes and hormones in check.

Joe asked me a question that I've never been asked before. He asked me that if I get married and have children, would I feel like I was living a lie. I told him no but I did not explain why. I would not be living a lie because I would be completely honest with any man I would marry that I have these inclinations. He would have the choice to accept me or reject me. This is part of who I am and I cannot change it. Also my inclinations are not totally towards females. It is there, but my attraction to men is dominant. I could have a very rewarding, very satisfying marriage with the right man.

I don't know if I'll ever talk to Joe again. If not, I am grateful that I had the chance to share who and what I am with someone who listened without prejudice. He did not tell me I was in denial or that I was rejecting myself. He respected my free will choice to live according to my conscience.

I want to be more like that.

Joe, thank you for listening. God bless you.

Pax Christi,
KaraLynn

You Still Have All of Me...

It's the first day of 2007. It's amazing how your life can change in the blink of an eye.

I was meaning to write before today about this. I guess the emotional rawness I feel inside blocked my creative energy. Adam broke up with me on December 27th, two days after Christmas. I asked him what he really wanted and needed. He said that because he isn't emotionally ready for a relationship, he wanted to be single. At first I was very peaceful about it, perhaps it was just shock that he felt that way. Now I'm feeling broken, empty and like my future has been shattered into a million pieces.

I've never loved anyone like I've loved Adam. I've never opened myself up to someone as profoundly as with him. For him to say that he doesn't love me more than a friend and that it never was more than that really hurts me. More than I can put into words.

I told him I was fine with just being friends with him, but I realize that is not the truth. I cannot be just friends. I cannot keep talking to him as if I don't love him far more than that. This whole back and forth teeter-tottering has been going on for five years, and I cannot do it any more. I'm emotionally spent. I have nothing left to offer him. I must let go and go on with my life.

God knows what's best and wants what's best for me even more than I do. I place my hope that He has something better for me. Yes, even better than Adam.

Pax Christi,
KaraLynn