A Time to Sow...

Well, I'm not quite sure how to feel today. I attended my last Mass at my beloved home parish of St. Basil's. It is the parish where i wwas received into the Catholic Church. It has been my spiritual home for the last seven years.

You see, I'm moving to British Columbia this coming Thursday May 1st. I got the opportunity, so I took it. I'm going to be with my Steven. He is where my heart is. I want and need to be with him.

I don't know what the future has in store for me out there. Leaving my family, my friends (and my precious cat) and the comfort of familiarity saddens me. But I know God will take care of me. I remember how at peace and full of life I was when I was there at Christmas. I want that. I want that and never want to leave it again. I don't want to be away from Steven ever again.

So I have a bittersweet feeling inside. I am going to miss all of the people who have been so good to me over the years. But I also know that my life is going to be very full out in Vancouver. I will be working, building a life and planning a wedding. A year and five days from now, God willing, I will be a married woman.

All I've ever hoped for is coming true, but it isn't coming without cost. the sacrifice is the pain of leaving those I love behind.

It's a sacrifice I am more than willing to make.

Pax Christi,
KaraLynn

Remember You Are Dust and to Dust You Shall Return...

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I went to Mass and received the ashes. Due to a medical condition, I cannot fast. I have decided to go a little bit harder on myself in denying other things I enjoy:

1) No television, not even on Sundays when we may legitimately break the fast.

2) Limiting myself to one hour of internet a day unless it is school related.

3) I have a penance cord made out of hemp twine. I've decided just now to where that. The hemp is very coarse and it itches.

4) I'm going to read the Diary of St. Faustina and the New Testament. I tried to do this another Lent and I did not succeed. I found other things to do. I want to do it this time.

Of course the idea of Lent is to model Jesus' fast in the desert. The intention is to open our spiritual eyes to see God more clearly. Fasting humbles us so that we can be totally at the mercy of God.

The Church maintains that our fasts must not be so strict and rigorous that we become uncharitable in the process. It goes against the spirit of Lent. Fasting is supposed to help us become more charitable.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've spent more time on the internet than I should have today. I'm going to get off it now.

Have a blessed Lent.

Pax Christi,
Kara

From This Moment On...

I know it's been a very long time since I wrote last. There has been a lot going on. For starters, I visited my love Steven for the Christmas/New Year's holidays. I had the most wonderful time there! I woke up in Vancouver and said in my heart "I'm home". I felt so at ease and peaceful there. It's so beautiful! And Steven is everything I expected and more. He kind, gentle, patient, affectionate, intelligent (I.Q. of 144!), artistic, deeply spiritual, and he was always telling me or showing me how special and beautiful I am. Everything my heart has been craving for so, so long. And he's so handsome! He's very tall (I come up to just below his shoulder) and he has nice big hands (I'll explain to you one day about my fascination with hands). I've never had such chemistry with anyone. He bought me a promise ring and now we are promised to each other. So it's not a matter of if we are going to get engaged and married, it's a matter of when.

I didn't want to leave him. Unfortunately, I had to come back. I'm almost done school and I have all my stuff to sort through. I have to save enough money to live off of until I get a job. I also have my cat here. I can't be without her and she can't be without me. It's very difficult being so far away from him, and because of his schooling we only talk about twice a week. I guess that is best though because talking to him too much makes me miss him. I try to remember how six months is not a long time when I think about how much I have to do before I move out there. Knowing I will be with him again soon and that I will never have to leave gives me strength to go on. It gives me a reason to endure everything I am going through right now.

I am very grateful to God for sending me Steven. I must ask His forgiveness for every time I got angry at Him when I couldn't have the other ones I wanted. I am so short-sighted. He truly does know what I need. My Heavenly Father looked deep into my heart and saw my Steven there. Steven is here and now my waiting is done. I love him very, very much.

Thank You, Lord, thank You.

Pax Christi,
KaraLynn

Inspired

I just finished watching some of the movie Miss Potter. It's a true story about Beatrix Potter. the author who wrote the Peter Rabbit books. I am comforted by the fact that she remained unmarried and unpublished until she was 32 years old. That means there's hope for me!

I'm in a serious relationship with a wonderful young man now. He is everything I've ever wanted and needed in a mate. I'm very optimistic that our path will lead to marriage, it seems we fit so well together in so many ways.

What I find the most encouraging is the fact that Potter was not published until she was 32. I will be turning 32 at the end of March. This gives me hope, hope that I can still write a book and make my mark as an author.

I really want to do that before I leave this life. Potter's story gives me hope that it will happen.

Pax Christi,
KaraLynn

Finally...

I asked God Thursday to show me how to deal with the sudden death of my father 17 years ago and how I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I was relieved but distraught.

An inkling of the answer to my prayer came to me later that night. I was not sure it was what I needed. But Friday morning it became very clear that it is.

Last month, my class visited a hospice. It was nothing like I expected it to be. I thought it might be a dreary place, full of despair and sadness. It was far from that. It was warm and peaceful, with a sense of the Divine so profound I could reach out and touch it. We spoke with the Chaplain, a wonder lady who is very in tune with God and with the needs of people. She is very self aware as well. I was so taken by the atmosphere. I got nudges that it might do me good to volunteer there, but didn't pay much attention to them. Friday morning it all made sense.

I have this deep intuitive feeling that I will meet someone there, someone who is dying, with whom I can form a friendship. I enter into that end of life experience and make it my own. I can imagine that person is my father and in my heart and mind, work through the "saying goodbye" process, and finally say my goodbyes to my Dad. I don't know how I know this, I just do. I know that once it is complete, I will finally be at peace within myself. Just knowing the source of my anger after all these years has started me on that journey.

I am in awe and am deeply grateful.

Thank You, my Lord and my God, for once again answering my prayers. You never abandon us, but always seek to bring us to wholeness. I am beginning to learn that You only do it when we can be fully open to that wholeness, when we can handle it.

"Life is always a good. This is an instinctive perception and a fact of experience, and man is called to grasp the profound reason why this is so."

Pope John Paul II, Evangelium Vitae

Amen and amen.

KaraLynn

What Now?

On August 30, 2007 my father will be gone 17 years.

It's only today, after watching a movie called Tuesdays with Morrie, that I realized why I have been angry all of these years. I have often agonized why I've carried around this rage inside of me; why I've been so sad a lot of the time, that movie helped me to understand it. For the first time in 17 years I understand it all.

Tuesdays with Morrie is about a man dying from ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease. The movie deals with tying up loose ends, making peace where needed, facing death with courage because he (Morrie) new how to live. He lived by knowing how to die. Truly inspirational because it was not a movie about euthanasia and the "indignity" of wasting away to a terminal disease. It was about making every minute of life count; every, every minute.


When the movie was over, I could barely contain myself so I told my instructor I had to go for a walk. I left class, walked to the convenience store and bought a package of cigarrettes. All the while it was running through my head--I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

As I sat behind my school at the picnic table smoking, I thought, 'I feel cheated. I'm angry at my dad, I'm angry at God, I'm angry at me, at everyone'.

I couldn't wait to get home and talk to Steven about it. There I sat, crying and telling him what happened. I told him everything. I told him I didn't know what to do now. How do I say goodbye to my dad? How do I finish this business 17 years after he was laid in the ground? I don't know. I don't know.

Right now I'm exhausted. Exhausted by somewhat relieved that I now know the reason for all that anger. I know it and I have owned it. Perhaps after a little sleep the answer will come to me how I can finally say goodbye to my dad. My dad was everything to me, my whole world. He was gone in the blink of an eye without warning. I didn't know how to deal with it at 14 and I still don't know how to deal with it at 31.

Oh please God, show me how to say goodbye...

These Days Are Passing Over Me at the Speed of Light...

Wow, it's been so long since I've updated my blog. My apologies to all of you who follow up on it once in awhile.

My life has been incredibly full with school and a new relationship. I'm taking a Social Service Worker diploma. The course material is very intense, but being the information junkie that I am, I love every bit of it. Well, except the parts that go against my convictions. That stuff I just ignore. I've had four exams and one project already. I got in the 90's for three of my exams and 82% for one of them. My project I received 92%. So I can say that, overall I'm pleased with my performance. The only thing I wish I could change is that 82%. For the amount of studying I did, I think I should have been able to achieve a higher grade. The questions on the exam were worded in a confusing way, so I was unsure of what the correct answer was. Oh well, I will just work my ass of for the rest of the year and think harder during the exams.

Now, about the new relationship,

This is my new boyfriend Steven. We met on Facebook and we're beginning our third week together. He lives in Vancouver, British Columbia. I honestly have never met a man like him. I know I have probably said that before, but I think it was because I desparately wanted to believe there was a man out there that satisfied all my needs. The truth is that those other men only satisfied some of my needs, and a few of them satisfied none of my needs. Steve is my miracle. It's like he was dropped out of Heaven just for me. We fit together so well, just like two pieces in the bigger puzzle picture of life. He is all I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed. He's kind, gentle, good, devout, intelligent, articulate, artistic, patient, sensitive, sincere, genuine. He wants to protect me and make me feel safe. He is always calling me gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful. He tells me that God loves me so much. My self-concept has completely changed these past two weeks. I can look at my reflection in the mirror and say "hey you look good". I was never able to do that before. I know it's been only two weeks, but we have talked so, so much--sometimes for 10 hours at a time, I'm totally in love with this man. I never thought I would ever be able to love again after Adam. I didn't want to love again after Adam. I was going to become a Consecrated Single. It looks like God has other plans.

Pax Christi, KaraLynn